Why did I drink so much?

I recently had the pleasure of introducing the crowd at "Last Monday at Rio!" to a long-forgotten music hall classic. This song is at the tamer end of the repertoire of Mr George Foreplay, a pioneer in working class filth.

Why did I drink so much?

Why did I drink so much tonight?
It’s stretched my bladder really tight.
But now that I’ve gone to the loo
To do what a man’s got to do,
I can’t
Because I’m thinking of you.

Why did you turn me on tonight?
I cannot get the angle right.
When you kissed me, my passion grew;
Now it won’t do what I tell it to.
It won’t
Because it’s thinking of you.

I press upon it, flinch with pain,
And then the thing springs up again.
I look at it and scowl and frown
But cannot keep my good man down.
I plead with it, I swear and shout,
But cannot even form a spout.
I must concede my little friend
Will simply not agree to bend.

Why did I drink so much tonight?
I need to go, and soon I might,
Despite my aim not being true.
I’ve got to let the liquid through.
It’s hard
Because I’m thinking of you.

My cannon’s raised to launch attack
So I take several paces back
And try to guess its natural arc -
But it’s just slashing in the dark.
This pot-luck isn’t good at all -
I’m bound to wet the floor and wall,
The ceiling, and the bathroom mat.
And I don’t want t’have to clean all that.

Why did you turn me on tonight?
You didn’t get your timing right.
If you still want to bill and coo,
It’s something I’m not fit to do.
It’s pointless
To be thinking of you.

Well, normally I’d have no qualms
I’d take you right now in my arms
But there’s something I must do first -
And if I don’t do it soon, I’ll burst.
It’s agony that part of me
Defies the law of gravity.
If I could do a handstand, I
Would give gymnastic feats a try.

Why did I drink so much tonight?
It will not be a pretty sight.
My one-eyed chum is changing hue
Into a vivid shade of blue.
He is
Because he’s thinking of you.

To bring him under my control,
I stand then crouch with back to bowl.
I push and poke and waggle him
To try and get him past the rim.
But when I have got him to reach
I find the bowl is lined with bleach.
The fluid that kills all germs dead
Has killed my stamina instead.

Why did you turn me on tonight
When, just to make my bladder light
And save one skin, I’ve been forced to
Burn off another? Oh dear, oo!
Goodnight.
I won’t be thinking of you.

Arguments & Nosebleeds at the Fringe

On Thursday 19th and Friday 20th August, I will be performing alongside Jane Overton, Alex Frew and Robin Cairns in an evening (well, an hour) of comedy performance poetry - for FREE (Laughing Horse Free Fringe). Time: 8.30-9.30pm. Laughing Horse @ Espionage (Venue 185) - Pravda Room, middle floor. (4 India Buildings, Victoria Street, Edinburgh  EH1 2EX. Entrances on Victoria Street and Cowgate.)
www.argumentsandnosebleeds.co.uk

Music Hall Memories, 24 & 25 July

Shows at 1pm & 3pm both Saturday and Sunday @ Britannia Panopticon Music Hall, 113-117 Trongate, GLASGOW G1 5HD. Above Mitchells Amusements. Entrance via New Wynd.
Come and enjoy popular entertainment 1910-style in the world's oldest music hall. Magic, music, comedy and more. Chris will be appearing as Little Billy Williams. FREE - donations welcome!